I scanned over my last post just now to refresh my memory of what I've already said and what I've yet to say.  I have a handful of blogs.  It's like trying to keep a hundred friends atop some good news one by one.

Did I tell you this yet?

I read it and realized I never did get out to buy my Imbolc plants.  This time last year I'd have been upset and panicked and, quite honestly, ashamed of my lack of dedication.  This year I'm a little more centered and, quite frankly, a lot easier on myself.  I'll get the plants soon.  And the seeds for this summer's garden.  It will mean just as much in my heart this week as last.  I'm fairly sure if I've come to a place of self-forgiveness, the God and Goddess must be equally as forgiving of my "best laid plans" and their frequent demise.

But isn't that the way of things?  Sometime life really doesn't give a shit what you've planned.  The trick is learning to rock and roll with it.

Ahhhhh.....that is the sound of relief.  A Sabbat has come and I have not had the anxiety build-up.  It's all good, my friends.  My faith has traveled from my head (and all its issues) to my heart and there it dwells so much more peacefully.  That is not to say that I don't think anymore.  That is to say that my religion comes from a place of comfort and peace.  Perhaps a more intellectual Pagan can brain their faith....but clearly I must heart it.

Imbolc has come and since Brigid is the first (and only) Goddess or God to ever tug my heart in such a startling manner as She did, this holiday is especially dear to me.  So, I will tell the story of meeting Her.

I first read about Brigid during Year One...the manic, obsessive (and quite terrible) year of trying to know everything there is to know about everything concerning Paganism.  And much like that circle I knelt in and broke down and first felt the presence of Divinity in me, Brigid stopped time.  I was racing, in what amounted to a blind panic, towards some finish line I thought must surely exist.  I'd decided that I had to be a scholar of all Goddesses and Gods of all pantheons so I could keep up with the big boys and girls on the message boards.   Right?  Because in Year One, it's all about not looking like a complete dumbass.  I'd watched the Elite Super-Witches tear down beginners and leave them a smoking pile of deflated ashes.  It wasn't going to happen to me, by Goddess.  I wasn't about to be put in my place by some 17 year old Silverwolfster.

So I dove in headlong and was drowning almost immediately.  I was wading through the Dagda...lost.  Frigging LOST...it was like trying to mash an entire dinner plate into my mouth and swallow without chewing.  And then there She was.  And it was literally like time stopped racing...all of a sudden, I was focused.  Of course time didn't stop....I did.  She put my brakes on and held me still long enough to let the words sink in, the story permeate.  I remember being startled by the thought, "She's like me..."

When I think of the Goddess, I think of Her.  I think of the image in my mind that rolled out with perfect clarity as I learned more about Her.  She is the icon, for me, that allows me to connect with an otherwise unfathomable entity.  I do not believe, as some do, that individual Gods and Goddesses exist.  I believe that individual Gods and Goddesses have been created by people as a way to wrap our finite minds around a concept so infinite, we can not otherwise even begin to grasp it.  And for me, that representative is Brigid.

Without the struggle of trying to jam myself into a Wiccan mold best left to those who are called to that Path, the upcoming Sabbat has become all the more meaningful.  New beginnings.  The death of the old must occur to make way for the new.  And I've killed some things off over the past week...some things that had to go in order for others to take hold.

While a ritual (in the formal sense) won't happen for me, a ritual in the very loose sense will definitely occur.  Probably I'll pick up a few new house plants today to remind myself that the winter, as all things, will pass.  I'll light some candles and pray.  Mainly I will thank Brigid for the connection She affords me...one that has survived all the Year One moments that have had me falter along this Path. 

As difficult as it is for a Capricorn to let go of something (hee hee); I have to.

I've caught myself living in the answer instead of the question.  Of course this makes for some trying times.

::inhale::
::exhale::

After Year Three: The Skeptic Year, I had renewed fervor towards Wiccan ritual, observing and practicing, and to hells with anyone else's judgement.  I'd set into motion the beginnings of a year that would see me jumping in with both feet.  Winter solstice was the first in a Wheel like none before.

When the day came, I was excited.  My relaxed mini-ritual with my son was wonderful and he seemed to take to the concept with real interest. 

But that night, standing staring at the altar I was halfway through setting up, something tapped me on my mental shoulder. 

You're not fooling me.

Oh Gods, shut up.  Not now.  I've had an epiphany, dammit!  Stop pestering me with your stupid, unwanted input! 

But I'll be damned if the seed hadn't been planted.  And there it was....planted.  Bound to sprout.  And my logical Capricorn mind could not resist exploring this because my logical mind knew it was its own voice.

Okay.  Candles, pentacle, BoS, athame, salt bowl, water goblet and what does it all mean to you?

Nothing.  I mean, I know the MEANING of it all.  I'd read it.  In a book.  But what did it mean TO ME?  Nothing.  Of course THAT can't be right.  It can't be right.  I'm Wiccan.  I know I am.  It's clearly written in my BoS.

Balance yourself, my dear.

Okay....despite the scariness of it, let's look at it head-on.  What if, I'm not Wiccan?  Okay, this is upsetting because A.) That's a lot of wasted time and energy and B.) Even though I didn't know there was a hole in me before I let faith into my life, I know it's there now....and Gods, the hurt if I don't have it!

Alright, alright...enough.  Just be logical, you stubborn Goat Sign.

Clearly it's not wasted time or energy.  You exist to learn and it seems cosmically unlikely that anything you experience is not something you needed to experience in order to learn whatever it is you are here to learn.

And stop panicking.  No one is repossessing your faith in the God and Goddess.  Perhaps, at worst, you'll have to give back your Wicca Membership Card.

What?!?!  ::gasping::

So...I went back to the beginning.  I went back to my journals, the first ones I'd started when it occured to me to start a journal to record my impressions of RELIGION and FAITH since these concepts had brand-y new meaning attached to them in my mind back then.  I read through them, fondly, really; it brought me right back to the wonder of it.  It had come at a time in my life that seemed so unlikely...already 31 years old and sort of set in my views of religion.  I did not believe in God and outside the (logical) ideas of Mr. Christ, the rest of the Bible seemed utterly ludicrous to me.  My mind was closed to it.  I mean CLOSED.

And She pushed it open.

And the wonder of that time, as I was realizing what was happening, the shift in my personal paradigm was like dying so I could live.

I poured over my old journals and came across a line, very early on in my journey, that slapped me across my face.

"I don't feel drawn to Wicca...but there is the most information to be found about it."

Oh.  Right.  I'd forgotten that.  I remember now, of course, because somewhere I remembered it all along.  I not only wasn't drawn to Wicca.....I was fairly certain that was specifically not my path.  Reading a little further I find, "I guess I feel mostly drawn to Druidism or maybe Shamanism....but do I really have to always be so damned specific?  I could just be PAGAN."

Wow.  And just like that, it hits me all at once.  I know my own tendencies.  I HAVE to have information.  I HAVE TO.  I have to know the facts, understand what I'm talking about.  When I bought my first new car, I spent so much time and energy gathering information about it, I outpaced the salesman who asked me if I was interested in selling cars.

I'm not.  But I am interested in KNOWING STUFF.

And I saw myself heading for Wicca not because I felt a call, but because there was so much STUFF TO KNOW.  Like a lighthouse in the fog for me, the books, the web, the tutorials, the blogs, the mailing lists......it was more than my crazy-brain could resist.

Well, shit.

Now what?

Well...there really is only one thing to do.  Get back into The Question.  It would be silly and insulting to keep trying to shove myself into Wicca or mold Wicca to my practices.  And, most importantly, note to self: Stop closing doors on yourself.  Even the Wicca Door.  Go back to square one.  Go back to the things that have WORKED.  Cast your circle.  Talk to Them.  Move forward.  Stay open.

Year Four: The "Non-Specified Personal Paganism" Year. ;)  I feel pretty good. 

I'm turning my back on a certain mindset.  Part of my solstice ritual will be killing off a part of me that isn't serving me as a Wiccan or a person.

It is the part that jumped on the Christians Stole Christmas From The Pagans bandwagon.

In its place, I'll be reborn as a different kind of Wiccan.  One that doesn't feel, somewhere deep down, that I have to validate my faith by playing the "we were here first" game. 

That is not to discount the history, theology, philosophy or much-enjoyed debate of it all.  I'm not speaking of the lofty pursuit of knowledge and ideas.  I'm speaking of the ugly, petty aspect of it.  The part of it that people use to explain why we, as Pagans, are better than other people.  And even sadder, why we are RIGHT.  It makes us what we say we aren't.

I am really very excited about it.  I'm already feeling good, already feeling some kind of weight come off me.  Coming to terms with my own personal doubts about my faith is HUGE.  Just seeing that doubt is what had me latch on to that constantly perpetuated thought process is HUGE.  But even bigger, more moving and inspiring is looking forward without the doubt.

It's okay that this faith is less than a century old.  IT'S OKAY.  It is perfectly capable of standing on its own without the crutch of lineage.  Wicca does not need a millenia of existance backing it to be valid. 

More importantly, I do not need a millenia of existance backing my religion to validate myself.

This is the first Sabbat that I'll be involving my son in a bit.  He's 9 and has previously asked questions about death, God and that sort of thing.  I've handled it like my father handled it with me.

This is what I think.

These are the ideas of some other folks.

If you want to know more, we can learn more together.

"I like the God and Goddess, Mom.  They sound more real.  Like parents."

That was a few summers ago.  Since then, he hasn't asked any more questions.  Perhaps he's formed a currently-satisfying relationship with his version of the God and Goddess.  Perhaps it was some nagging worry he's had sated by MY quiet faith.  Who knows?

But this year, I asked him if he'd like to celebrate Yule.  I had never suggested anyone in my family celebrate Sabbats for which they had no belief or connection.  But this year I realized that I have never been Christian, never attended church yet celebrated a form of Christmas every year of my life that centered around family, gift-giving, food and fun.

Also, my immediate family, while not in on my personal rituals, have not escaped the Sabbats.  There have been decorations, foods, projects and other things related to each Sabbat (especially last year) that they have been quietly surrounded by.  They ate the meals I'd cooked with intent. 

The question still lingers.  Should I be (even softly) blanketing my family in my own beliefs?  Is it even ethical to offer them Sabbat-Lite?  Is it even possible NOT to have them affected or inclined by all of this?  I, for one, personally understand the power of coming to this path of your own discovery.  I would never hand-feed my family a faith.

It is like the difference between being told the stove is hot...and putting your hand on it.

I looked to my own experience for an answer.  Celebrating Christmas and Easter didn't MAKE me Christian.  Celebrating Halloween didn't make me Pagan.  Celebrating Thanksgiving didn't make me a pilgrim.  Celebrating St. Patrick's Day didn't make me Irish.  Did my version of those holidays have meanings not in alignment with their intended meanings?  YES.  Did I hurt myself or anyone else in the process?  Of course not.

Celebrating Yule as the day the light begins to return to the earth with the lighting of a candle and the opening of a gift isn't going to make anyone Pagan.  There's a good chance it could make someone feel good, though.   

So, I'm going with it this year.  I'm going to quietly let them wander in if they are curious because, quite frankly, it seems silly to deny my family any opportunity to be together, be happy, feel good, and associate certain times with certain good feelings because they might....what?.....be Called?  Follow the same Path?  Have fond memories of their childhood that included three times as many holidays as most everyone else's? 

As in all things, we can only make a personal decision and then take responsibility for it.  This is mine.